H O W A R D S B E N D

1. Absolute Trump – Enjoy a new brand of vodka made in the style of traditional Russia vodka.  This is the vodka favored by the most rich and powerful oligarchs. This high quality and expensively tasting vodka can be secured at a price that a deeply devalued ruble makes very affordable.  Absolute Trump goes perfectly with Trump Caviar which can be purchased at most of your favorite supermarkets. 

2. Opti Tax Con – Do you owe the IRS  millions of dollars?  Do you resent the IRS asking to see your current tax return?  Are you receiving harassing phone calls threatening to repossess your yachts or vacation homes.  Stop worrying.  Call Opti Tax Con and let us handle your disputes with the IRS.  Let us set up bogus foundations which will generate millions of dollars of tax deductions while letting you enjoy the fruits of your hard earned passive income.  Let us set up off-shore tax havens that will let you hide millions and millions of dollars giving you and your family a way to avoid those annoying inheritance taxes.   Why pay any taxes when ex-presidents worth billions of dollars pay only $750 annually in taxes?  We can help you. 

3. Trump Light – Try our new brand of cigarettes that deliver a full body taste with less tar and nicotine than the average cigarette.  Have a Trump Light before a siege on a federal building or enjoy a Trump Light while relaxing and counting casualties after the armed insurrection.  Trump Light is the preferred smoke of MAGA Nation.  Do not believe the Fake News about cigarette smoking being bad for your health.  In fact, the Surgeon  General’s warning has been removed from the carton.  And the idea about getting ill from secondary smoke is again totally false and just as silly as getting Covid from a drinking buddy.  Enjoy the freedom of a good smoke.

4. Trumps Not Nice and Not Easy – Want to open a few doors to you in the corporate world?  Want to get ahead in the Republican Party?  Try Trump’s “Not Nice and Not Easy” which is a new hair coloring product which is so easy to use that even our ex-President could color his own hair almost by himself.  The company is currently offers a single color, a rusty shade of orange which is the only color you need.  With a regular application, you can look like a not-too-distant relative of our former president and visit Mar a Lago without even needing a visitor pas

5. Ashley and Trump Madison – Been married several times and yet still restless and unsatisfied.  Looking for a discrete rendezvous with a woman who can provide the excitement and the pleasure for which you are secretly yearning.  Do you need a little change of scenery from your pregnant wife.  Visit our new updated website, www.ashleyandtrumpmadison.com (Links to an external site.).  We also provide legal services to those that are being sued or blackmailed by their current spouse.  We are now offering a new service that matches those clients that are seeking beautiful trophy wives from Slovakia.  (All ur women are tested regularly for STDs, although we do not test for Covid). 

6. Don’s Tiki Torches -Going to a white supremacist march and need a tiki torch that will last for hours and not flitter-out while swinging it at the ANTIFA  counter-protestors?  Try Don’s Tiki Torchs which are guaranteed to last throughout those long marches through the streets of Southern towns and is built with extra strength to withstand hand-to-hand combat.  Available in two sizes.

7. Chernobyl Trump Tower – Looking for a change to your current life situation…maybe a new luxury apartment in a new city or maybe just a second home to add some charge yo your life.  Or maybe, you are looking for an investment in real estate that guarantees a high return on your investment.  Contact us immediately about purchasing a new luxury condo in the Chernobyl Trump Tower.  Get in on the ground floor as Chernobyl goes through its re-gentrification and reap the rewards of being an early investor.  The newest Trump tower radiates high class living.

8. Trumpquoroquine –  This is the drug that saved the life of our 45th president and it can also save your life.  Ask your doctor for a prescription to the panacea of so many ailments, and if he/she refuses just contact the world-famous Dr. Stella Immanuel who has been at the forefront in research on the beneficial results of hydroxychloroquine.  Get a prescription right away because this drug is selling like hotcakes.  Keep that prescription bottle in your medicine cabinet for that rainy day.

9. Trump Lie detector –  This machine is a beautiful invention as it can tell fact from fiction.  This new machine will help so many defendants who have been accused of lying.   This is the lie detector that is being used by more and more police departments and law enforcement agencies.  The machine first asks if you are a Democrat or a Republican.  It can from there determine who is telling the truth and who is lying.  We would like to demonstrate the effectiveness our our new machine by asking Hunter Biden a few questions on his involvement with Burisma. 

10.  Trump College (not to be confused with Trump University) – This is a college offering studies in Eastern European culture, history and languages. The primary focus on the program is the Russian nations with offerings in the Russia language.  We offer Russian 1, Russian 2, Russian 3, Russian 4 and advanced language of Russian 5.  We also offer a course on the biography of Vladimir Putin and another course on the the Positive Contribution of Vladimir Putin to the political and economic rise of the Russian Nation.  We have one elective which is called Truth and Fallacy about Catharine the Great.  This course work is ideal for those seeking a mid-level bureaucratic position in the State Department.