H O W A R D S B E N D

Many people have been asking what I, Robert Mueller, have been doing for the past year and a half.  Now I am ready to tell all.  Quite honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. This Russian investigation feels like I have been strapped down in a chair with my eyes pinned wide-open like Malcolm McDowell in Clockwork Orange and forced to watch in slow motion every episode of the Keystone Cops, or maybe the Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight, or Maybe The Three Stooges.  Torture, complete torture.

Let’s start with the Three Stooges…Don Jr., Eric and Jared.   Right after Trump secured the Republican nomination, these three clowns were running around everywhere trying to make contact with any Russian government person who might  put them in touch with Vladimir Putin.  Jared was  spotted walking up and down the boardwalk in Coney Island, Little Odessa, asking anyone with a fur hat if they could put him in contact with Putin.  Don Jr. made frequent trips to Northeast Philadelphia visiting every Russian restaurant asking if anyone had Kremlin connections.  And poor Eric was charged with calling everyone in the DC phone book whose  last name ended in “ski” or “sky” asking if they had a connection with the Russian government.

Despite these lame efforts to make appropriate contacts with Russian operatives, a meeting at finally took place in Trump Tower on June 9, 2016 in New York City between Don Jr.,  Jared and Paul Manafort and at least five other people, including Russian lawyer Natalia Ves-el-nits-kaya, the best name in the entire report.  Try saying that name very quickly.  The meeting was ostensibly arranged as a casual get-together to swap tickets to the Russian ballet for Yankee tickets at the Stadium.  After a year-and-a- half of investigation, we can definitely state that the Trump team was in fact seeking dirt on Hillary Clinton, received from stolen emails, along with the ballet tickets.  This is “collusion”.

The one question remaining is whether President Trump knew of this meeting in-advance of it taking place.  Our first question on the questionnaire that we delivered to Trump months and months ago asked this question.  Donald Trump in his own handwriting answer, “yes, of course, I knew,” and then crossed it out and wrote something about Russian adoptions.  We believe that he knew in-advance.

Then there is the question of whether Roger Stone, or the Riddler as we refer to him around the office, got stolen emails from Wikileaks, who in turn got these emails from the Russians, by illegally hacking into Hillary Clinton’s server.  Quite honestly, I have no idea why it took us soooooooo long to figure this out.  I apologize for missing this one, especially when Roger Stone, all his associates and Donald Trump and everyone in the Trump campaign were bragging about the obtaining of these stolen emails.  Well, we finally figured it out and I can assure you that Roger Stone will be spending many years behind bars for participating in the dissemination of stolen emails unless Trump pardons him right away.

Again, we posed this question to President Trump with the submitted questions and he answered that he in fact ordered Putin to have his people hack Hillary’s server and give these email to WikiLeaks and told Roger to give Julian a call.   This answer was also crossed out and followed with “NO COLLUSION…NO COLLUSION!!!”.  Again, we find Mr. Trump knew of these hacked emails especially as he announced a new leak was coming one day before it hit the presses.

There is bad….and then there is real bad…and then there is Paul Manafort.  This guy is pure evil.  He was taking money from the Ukrainians promising to lobby for their security while at the same time he was taking  money from the Russians, who could not wait to invade Ukraine.  Then Mr. Nice Guy volunteers to work for free for the Trump campaign, if you don’t count the millions of dollars that the Russian oligarchs were paying him to have the Trump administration lift all the economic sanctions against these same Russian oligarchs.  He then changes the Republican campaign platform from an anti-Russian stance to a pro-Russian position.  This guy was looking at more jail time than Jeffery Dahmer, except he stepped up and decided to help us bring this case against Donald Trump.

We asked a third question to Trump concerning Russian payoffs to change the Republican Party’s position on Russia.  Trump answered that he hardly knew Manafort and that he worked for the campaign for such a short time that nothing really could have happened.  This, of course, contradicts our findings that millions of dollars transferred from Manafort’s bank accounts in to the Trump campaign coffers.

This concludes my report.  Sorry it took so long. Hopefully, the newly elected Democratic House of Representatives will know what to do with this information.

I am looking forward to returning to my quiet life with my wife and  family and spying on my friends and neighbors just to keep my skills sharp in case I am called once again back to serve my country.

Melania – I love your Thanksgiving custom of taking a little time to give thanks for those things that are important to you.  Donald, what would you like to give special thanks for this year?

Donald – Oh Melania, that is so easy.  I want to give thanks for Ivanka.  Thank you Lord for Ivanka.  She beautiful, smart, composed, beautiful, energetic, professional and beautiful.

Melania – Is there anything else that you would like to give thanks for this holiday?

Donald – Now it gets a little harder.  Hmmmm……I’m thinking.  There’s got to be something.  Oh yeah. Mar a Lago  I love that place.  It is beautiful, in fact gorgeous, luxurious, elegant.  And the people…….everyone is beautiful, rich and so well connected.  Most beautiful place in the world.

Melania – Can you think of anything else to be grateful for this Thanksgiving?

Donald – This is tougher than the Mueller investigation.  I should have had you send the questions over earlier in the month and could have had the lawyers work on the answers. Give me a minute.  Oh yeah, Trump Tower.  I love Trump Tower.

Melania – You kind of went there  with Mar a Lago.  How about something or someone else?

Donald – Got it……I am very thankful for Twitter.  Oh my God, the greatest invention ever.  Before, I would make a really funny crack or a very sarcastic comment and then I would wait for Ivana or Marla to laugh and I would get nothing.  All my jokes and sarcasm went right over their heads.  Forget about you, getting my comments.   I don’t even think you understand English.  And now, I make a funny remark on Twitter and millions of people around the world are laughing immediately and asking for more.  I throw a jab at little Sessions and a million people pile on and pummel the poor guy.  Macron gets on my nerves and I crush him and his little French followers with a major wallop right across the face on Twitter.  I am truly thankful for Twitter.

Melania – How about another person.  Is there anyone else who you are thankful for?

Donald – Do you really need to ask?  Isn’t it so obvious who I am totally thankful for and indebted to?  Do you really have to ask who I give thanks to every day?  Obviously, you do not know me like I thought you  did.

Melania – You are making me blush.

Donald – I am not sure why you are blushing, but I would be nowhere without Mr. Putin.  He is the person who believed in me, went to bat for me and gave me everything that I needed to win the election.  Of course, I am thankful for Mr. Putin not just on Thanksgiving, but every day of the year.  And you Melania, what are you thankful for?

Melania -I am thankful that you married me and made me a US citizen.  I am happy that my parents are now US citizens, too.  And I am thankful that my lawyer gave me such an ironclad pre-nuptial agreement so I know what ever happens between us I will be getting lots of money every year of my life.  Oh yeah, and Baron is pretty cool, too.